Life Through The Slightly Crossed Eyes of TESTYPEA !!!: It's All In The Family

We had a small reunion of sorts last night in my aunt’s house. My grandmother just came back from an extended vacation in Canada, and so now I had to do what any normal broke and unemployed loser -- who had no wish to be disowned, does, pretend that I missed her and am excited of her arrival. This may sound a bit harsh I know – especially since there was that incident when she took care of me and my brother of two months while my parents toured Europe. But then, I’ve also seen the video of when she dropped me while throwing me up in air at eleven months. Geez louise, if that’s how she loved me I wonder what she did when I peed on her. And then of course there was that incident with the crabs -- err, and not the edible kind.

The night went fairly smoothly until it was time to go home. My other aunt, Eliza, needed a ride home so she hitched with us. While in the car she was telling my mom about how this other estranged aunt of ours was flying in tomorrow, in time to visit grampa’s grave on Monday. The woman is from Hongkong, and claims to be the legitimate wife of our similarly estranged uncle. That was a possibility since that uncle of ours did go through a number of women in his younger years -- women who liked other women, women who looked like men and men dressed as women – depending on how much he had to drink… since he moved there.

So anyways, aunt Eliza was yapping about how the worthless bastard and his ungrateful bitch had to take all these years before paying their respect to gramps, and how she screamed all her shit to both during the recent wedding of her son, yadda, yadda, yadda… and a thought came to mind:

me: Did you talk to her in Chinese?
aunt: Huh?
me: How did you talk to her, in Chinese?
aunt: What?
me: Did you use Chinese to communicate with her?
aunt: Huh?
me: *mutters to my brother* I think she’s gone senile…
aunt: *pause…pause…then erupts * Who’s calling me crazy?!? I’m not crazy! I’ll beat the living daylights out of you! I’ll show you who’s crazy !!!

Normally, I would never have let an opportunity like this pass - I mean, understand that I do need to release some of my violent tendencies from time to time, otherwise the urge builds up so much that my mom might be forced to chain me to a tree and let me die because I’ve become a danger to myself and everyone I know. And don’t get me wrong, even with regular release it has gotten me in trouble now and then, like that time when I got suspended for injuring a classmate. But I ask you, who was the greater asshole there, me who was just finding some release, or that bleeding fucker who ran faster than any of us even after I had thrown a goddamned rock on his head? What a dick.
But anyways, going back to my story…

me: *blinks in confusion* Are you on drugs?
aunt: *silence*
me: Have you been drinking again?
aunt: Of course I talked to her.
me: I was asking if you talked to her in Chinese.
aunt: English!
me: But I thought she doesn’t speak English.
aunt: Then Chinese!
me: You speak Cantonese?
aunt: English! Chinese! What difference does it make?
me: *speechless*
aunt: I wanna go down now, I can just cross the street, stop the car.
me: *thinking: what the fuck?*

Of course my folks -- yes, they were in the same car, would’ve agreed except that it was 12:30 a.m. and she’d had to run across five lanes of surprisingly heavy flowing traffic, jump over a five–foot concrete divider, run across another five lanes of traffic -- and yes, she’d have to make a run for it coz there were no stop lights nor pedestrian lanes, climb a twenty foot iron gate – which most likely ran a current, and if she was still alive after that, she’d have needed to walk yet a number of blocks, alone, in the dark, before reaching her miserable home.

Symptoms of Senile Dementia :